Sunday, April 08, 2007

FRIENDS AND LOVERS

- I’m Kidding? Playing? Joking? ... you got crazy all of a sudden! ... you are playing with fire... you... you are teasing me... just to flirt with... with... Oh my God! I’d better cork it up! ... That... that... damn you! ... But where did you find such... such a... I’d better hold my tongue... I hate you! Not only you are treacherous, pretender, bastard... you are also stupid... no brain at all! ... And I’m so idiot that I forgive everything... wasting money, making me look more stupid than I really am, pretending I’m a shrew, a crone, an hag, if front of your friends... Friends? Lushes that stink of beer and cigarettes and someone also of un unwashed feet... So are your friends... piddling all over the floor in the bathroom... soiling the toilet bowl with you know what... they don’t know and they don’t care... because there is a servant just to clean everything... They are always careless. relaxed, natural and free from anxiety... Your stupid friends... and I don’t know whatever else... because I think they are also dangerous and violent, rough, always looking for fights, with a bad reputation for playing rough... they go crazy for powerful motorcycles, they sign easily a lot of bills of exchange... they use to sell everything out just to get a most powerful motorcycle... and you... poor baby, you aren’t able to buy neither a bike... you have been fired... booted out because you are always drunk... even at work... and now you got football-mad... at sixteen I could stand it, but at forty it’ too much... You are not a baby and I’m not a witch... could you ever think about something concrete? ... not only football, motorcycles, whisky... and girls... yeah right! Because my baby fell in love... what a boyish behaviour... very nice! ... the young boy fell in love romantically with a sleeping princess... No! ... You got the worst girl in the word - damn you! ... but where did you find her sticky hair, black nails, nose-ring, fat, iron heeled shoes... tattooed everywhere, cheeks, neck, hands... and then she laughs out loud like a veritable goose... No!... I cant’ stand all that... no more... you mast get out...
- Mummy ... you’re right but I try to stay sober... yes, no more get drunk... no more motorcycles no more smoking... no more friends, whatever you like... but my baby must be mine... Mummy... if you’d like I’ll bring her here ... Mummy... I really fell in love... do you know what does that mean?
- I know very well... unfortunately... your father taught me such a convincing lesson... that I know very well the meaning of falling in love... I know very well! Your father! Damn him! You are like your father... just the same...
- Mummy... could you lend me 2.000 dollars?
- 2.000 what?
- 2.000 dollars... she has to see the doctor for a problem...
- I my God, what a problem... is she pregnant?
- No... I don’t think so... I think it’s another problem?
- What problem?
- It’s a private thing and she’s very shy...
- And you are very stupid...
- She would like to put a little diamond into a single tooth ... I think this way she could be able to flash the best smiles in the world... Mommy only 2.000 dollars not a dime more... just to lend... I’ll give you back everything just as I catch my firs pay... I promise... you bet! And then she asked me for another thing... just a little more boring she asked the bank for a loan because she must restore her apartment... she asked me if you could sign for security...
- Oh! My God! ... No! How can I stand such things... you got really crazy... no! You have better to get drunk everyday... get involved in fights... get jailed for a lot of years... How is it possible? You where my little baby... my little blond baby... I dreamed a lot about your future... I saved money to let you get ahead, build you future... and now at forty you can’t even understand what a boy could see easily... Baby... no! ... I love you I don’t stand such situations... no!
- Mummy... but she needs badly that 2.000 dollars... and I’ll give you back shortly...
- 2.000 dollars for ... no! I’ll never give you 2.000 dollars this way...
- Mummy... I told her you are my lovely Mummy... don’t you? ... I have to tell you a little secret ... I already gave her the 2.000 dollars... that’s all... but you aren’t a good Mummy... you don’t love me... you only think about money... I would have gone far away from this house but I have no money and I’m forced to live here with you... you speak about love... you are only a little selfish stupid woman... I hate you...

That was the story... Oh my God.... how can I get back home? He got crazy... he really got crazy... and now where am I going? To the police? To the health care service? To the church? ... My son got mad... oh my God! What did I so terrible to deserve such a torture? ... Not only stupid, really unaware of himself... he stole 3.000 dollars, al our savings... and then threatened me with hanger, with violence... and now I don’t have any money at all, not even to take a bus or to buy something to eat... my son fills his mother with dread... he hates me, but I don’t hate him... ah! That terrible girl... damn her! What did she do to my son? ... That girl.... That girl... perhaps she is like him... but perhaps she’s not... That girl... she lives near the old bridge... yeah... near the that terrible block of flats... what’s her name?... He told me... Mary Brown... searching for Mary Brown... I have to go... I have to go... it’s a long walk to get there and I’m an old woman... Mary Brown... mh... I’m very tired, very tired... but I have to go... The bridge... finally the bridge... this river is immense... no... never allow bad thoughts to get into your mind! Go ahead old Jenny... you must go... there is nothing here to decide... there’s everything o accept... the terrible bloc of flats... only cans of trash, closed gates... big spaces completely empty and then broken homes.... old cars with no doors... fired pneumatics... a fired-plastic piquancy ... but I have to go ahead.... Someone over there...
- Excuse me... do you know Mary Brown?
- Fuck you!
Ahead... always ahead... probably over there ... there is a scent of cabbage, something less nauseating...
- Do you know Mary Brown?
- Which one? There are two Mary Brown... Mary! Come here... someone is asking for you....
- Jenny... come here... you look tired... what the hell? What happened to Max?
- Jenny... I... I....
- Be quiet this place is terrible but no one is killing us...
- Jenny ... Max told me about the diamond to put into your teeth and about this house to restore...
- About what? Diamond in the teeth? ... House to restore? ... I don’t understand...
- You got 2.000 dollars from Max ...
- No... be quiet I didn’t get anything I gave him a little money, but just a little because I don’t have money at all...
- You gave him money? ... Mary, can I call you this way?
- Certainly, you can...
- Well I think he got crazy...
- I don’t think so, I think he’s a poor person... nothing more...
- I’m scared about him to kill me...
- I don’t think so... probably he’s now crying somewhere... he speaks aloud, screams, cries... but then he starts grieving over himself... Seat down Jenny... do you like a glass of water?
- Thanks... yes...
- Please...
- Mary... I vas going to the police or to the health care service in order to make him admitted in a hospital or jailed... I’m dreaded... I can’t get back no more and I haven’t any money to go to a hotel... I’m worried... I feel alone... and I think he feels alone...
- Be quiet, for now you have nothing to worry...
- But do you know Max very well?
- Not really... we met four or five weeks ago... we have been talking for hours, we have been talking about a lot of problems... also about you... and I think he loves you... yeah... I think he loves you... there is something that touches me badly... he never acknowledges himself as a poor man who failed in nearly every attempt to achieve his purposes ... when we spend our time chatting I try to tell him that I’m a poor girl that failed in near everything in her life... and he looks at me and I can see his anguish through his eyes... when life takes a bad way, when you are in a bad mood it’s very hard to rise from the ground...
- And you, Mary, do you love him... would you like to marry?
- No... I don’t think so... I respect him, somehow I love him, but just somehow... now I like better to live alone... putting together two bad situations doesn’t make something better... disillusions are something terrible, I think disillusions abut yourself... like me about myself... First he has to accept everything... then he can start building something new... something better... at least something else... Jenny... don’t cry...
- It would have been better if he had died....
- No... To die is never the better choice... you have to go ahead... he has to go ahead... no matter how difficult the path could be... Jenny... you looks like my mother... she passed out years ago, she always was desperate to help me... At that time I was in a really bad situation... dope, but also abuse of drugs... I was lost, completely out and she was desperate to help me... then she passed out and my life really changed, I never would have seen her dying but eventually she died with no one to help her but me... and starting from that day on, no more dope, no more drug abuse and so on... I had no place to go, no one to help me just like my mother, but before we where two... and then I was alone, desperately lonely, no money, no future... only a big desire, a big hope to better my situation... Now I live here, really not a nice place to live in... but that is... now I work, at least sometimes I work in the mall... just a little money ... I met Max at the mall... he was buying a bottle of whisky... only a low quality bottle of whisky... nothing else... and he was clothed with a light texture jacket... and we where in January... His eyes where dump, humid, just like it happens to the habitual drinkers... Our eyes met... we exchanged a smile... then he went... but getting out of the mall, in the evening I found him over there, like he was waiting for nothing but he was waiting for me... he had no place to go... at least so he told me... and we came here... he was frozen and I have no boiler... neither heating plant... just something to eat and I remember how he was putting hands near the pot just to try to heat them... then after eating a soup he fell asleep... I stayed there looking at him while he was asleep... greased hair, three or four days beard... he looked very stressed... just about to crash, to collapse... I don’t think he was used to doping... no... we have been talking about everything but never about dope... he seamed tired, weak, exhausted, haggard but not for something in particular... tired of living, he was in need of rest and sleep, he said that it was tiredness that led him to make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes he seamed overtaken by a sudden wave of tiredness. We became friends, not lovers, only friends, if there is something different... I think he is a nice person.... he perhaps could have scared you, could have told you something terrible... but in spite of everything I don’t think he’s a bad person...
- Yeah... you’re right... but tonight I can’t get back home... I’m scared... and I’m also worried about him... preoccupied because he could also attempt suicide... My God, no!
- Call him at home?
- No... I can’t.... please call him... he hates me... call him please...
- Good... but I have no mobile...
- There’s a mine... call him...
- ... No answer... he’s probably somewhere else... we’ll try later... would you like to stay here tonight?... I’ll give you my bed... and I’ll settle here...
- Thanks... ok... thanks... but I’m worried about him... I’d do something to help him...
- You’re right... but there is nothing to do...
- But do you see Max frequently?
- Nearly everyday... I saw him yesterday... but I really don’t know very much about the kind of life he does... I never ask him questions... I can hear what he likes me to hear but no more...
- But Max thinks you are his girlfriend... he told me he would like to take you home... he told me he would like very well to marry to you...
- No... perhaps so he told you... but we will never marry... he has to make his own way... nothing about to marry to me... and I too have to make my own way...
- Which way?
- That’s a too much personal question...
- Did you tell Max about?
- No...
- Oh... excuse me... I’ll stay here on the sofa... and you can stay quiet in your bed... ok?
- Ok, if you like better...
- ... But I would have liked well if you where my daughter-in law...
- I’ll be your friend like I’m friend of Max, isn’t that enough?
- It’s enough... somehow it’s enough...
- But what can a mother do when she’s involved in terrible things?
- We’ll try to call him again and again ... put on the automatic call... every twenty minutes... Jenny, do you eat something... I just cooked cabbages and there is some salad and a little loaf of bread...
- No thanks... I’m very tired and I’d like to sprawl on the sofa... I know that it isn’t so polite ... but I have to rest...
- Ok, Jenny... you can find the bathroom or whatever it is over there...tomorrow morning I get up at four because I’m going to work... I’m sorry...
- Thanks, Mary, you are a very good girl... Oh... what is it? ... the telephone... the telephone... Hallo!
- Hallo... I’m Max... but where are you? I have bee searching for you for hours...
- Oh... I’m with Mary...
- Mery?
- Yeah... Mary... she’s a very nice person... Max... I’m sorry you had a such difficult day...
- No... I’m sorry... about... about... you know what about...
- Max there is Mary here...
- Max... come here... you mum is very upset... and we have a lot of things to talk about... come here...
- Yeah.. good... I’ll be there... but it takes 50 minutes to get there...
- Max you have to take a bus... there is a night bus at 11.00 starting from the bus station in front of the station... if you leave now you can catch the bus... we’re waiting for you... bye Max...
- How do you feel Jenny?
- Oh...I feel better... now I fell very well...
- Are you worried about something?
- No... not now... now I’m just waiting... just waiting... I’m trying to find something to say... because I don’ know where to start from...
- Jenny... you only have to let things go... don’t be anxious or worried or whatever... only let things go... he’s a good friend... we know each other a little bit but I think we can see trough each other ... there is something in common, something that makes us to respect each other...
- And then why can’t you get married?
- Jenny... don’t ask such questions... let us live making our own way... yes, I know, a mother would like to understand everything about her son... but sons must make their way, no matter how mums are worried about... is a general rule, no one is allowed to stop sons from making their way... Max will make his way... I’m sure he’ll make his way... I’m sure...
- Perhaps you’re right... I’m wordless... perhaps you can understand him much more than I do... or you can love him much more than I do...
- No... I don’t think so... I have a different point of view and for me it’s much more easier to understand...
- Mh... Good.... what time is it?
- It’s 11.20... I think he’s going to arrive... about five minutes...
- Well... he’s coming here... I have to stay quiet... someone in knocking at the door... He arrived...
- Here I’m ... but what are you doing here, mum?
- I was searching for you...
- Here?
- Yes, here... nothing to be astonished... I and Mary became friends... I think she is a very good friend ... isn’t it?
- Yes, she is... Mary... what happened?
- Nothing.... she was worried about you... that’s all... seat down Max.... we’ll stay here all night long because bus service just stopped ... do you like cabbages, Max?
- I usually don’t... but yes... cabbages... mum... about that 2.000 dollars no problem... my friend told me he don’t need them any more... and for the apartment to restore just the same ...
- Well... good... because it isn’t so easy to find 2.000 dollars.... Max... why didn’t you tell me about Mary... You’ve got such a friend... she’s very a nice person...
- Max... excuse me... but there is something I can’t understand here... you are playing roles... both of you are playing roles... no!... you are wrong... excuse me, Jenny, but it’s necessary... Max has to know the truth... he has to know everything ... Max, you mum came here worried about you and totally scared by you... she thought about calling the police or the health care service to put you into an hospital or in jail... she was upset... she told me everything about the 2.000 dollars and about the apartment to restore... now she’s smiling but she was scared... she loves you... but you stressed her so that she would never get back home... Max, your behaviour made you look violent and outrageous... that’s the truth... now your mother can’t stand you no more... you have to respect her because she loves you... did you understand Max?
- But she hated you, Mary, she hated you!
- No... you’re wrong... she’s my friend... you hate yourself... you are a liar... you don’t like to admit you failed in a lot of things during your life... probably you failed in everything... but you have to admit it... it’s the truth... no need to hide it... you can change... you can change only if you like to change, if you can tolerate your mistakes... I made a lot of mistakes... but then I got my way... I got it because I’m aware of my mistakes... Max... we are friends... I can’t deceive you... you have to change... to change radically... do you understand?
- Will you help me?
- Certainly... we are friends...
- I know you have your way... but you have to take care of me at list till I’m out of all this ordeal...
- You neither have to ask for... and remember... that poor woman over there loves you... she got mad for you... and at least you have to respect her because she’s my friend and I never abandon friends no matter what’s the problem... we three have to build something new, to start from the beginning...
- I don’t know what to do... I’d like to start again but it’s hard it’s to much hart for me... and stat what? A new life? At forty? With no job, no money, nothing at all... starting again just to fail again... yes I got a friend... perhaps there is also mum to help me... but starting again seams to me a very strange purpose... Life is terrible... I don’t think something lo love... no.. something to be scared of, someone that destroys you day after day... You told about courage... about starting again... yes such things draw my curiosity but I think it’s only matter of words, nothing more, nothing like the real life, nothing at all...
- Perhaps you’re right Max... perhaps you’re right... but I feel you are wrong... Clearly... it’s your choice no one could help you if you don’t help yourself... that’s all... that’s all...
- How can I promise you something I don’t trust at all... How could I make something for you when I’m not really able to do it for me... I have to choose? ... Chose?
- No, Max... there is nothing here do decide, there’s everything to accept.

No comments: